cop stops his patrol car when he sees Banta and his girlfriend sitting on the curb. Banta is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his butt, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not going to make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
Showing posts with label HUMOUR. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HUMOUR. Show all posts
Saturday, June 28, 2008
SANTA'S CURTAINS ( ***** )
Santa enters a store that sell curtains.
He tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed him several patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.
Santa replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
Santa tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But, sir, computers do not have curtains!"
Santa says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"
He tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed him several patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.
Santa replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
Santa tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But, sir, computers do not have curtains!"
Santa says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"
Sunday, June 22, 2008
SANTA IN ICU ( *** )
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.
Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali."
The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi."
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta."
Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana."
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "Asit."
Replied the other, "Santa."
A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."
Santa responded, "Sagittarius."
Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali."
The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi."
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta."
Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana."
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "Asit."
Replied the other, "Santa."
A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."
Santa responded, "Sagittarius."
RISING BILL (****)
After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication.
When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use email.
Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!
When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use email.
Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!
BUSINESS IS GROWING ( ***** )
A young lad to his dad," Dad, I have put a girl into trouble , i need $100 to give her as compensation. The dad gives him $100.
After 2 days the younger son comes and says to dad," I have put a girl into trouble , I need $150 to give her as compensation". Poor dad has no option but to give him the amount.
After a few days the daughter comes to dad and says , " Dad , I am pregnant ." Dad whispers happily,Thank god , the business is picking up now."
After 2 days the younger son comes and says to dad," I have put a girl into trouble , I need $150 to give her as compensation". Poor dad has no option but to give him the amount.
After a few days the daughter comes to dad and says , " Dad , I am pregnant ." Dad whispers happily,Thank god , the business is picking up now."
Monday, June 16, 2008
BEAUTIFUL MARRIAGE QUOTES ( * * * * * )
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the
only thing in life !!
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for
two years.
--Sam Kim
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for
another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
---------------------------------------------------------------------
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows
why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone
wonders why.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife .
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.
--Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I h! ave never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous
------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous
-------------------------------------------------------------------
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs....."
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said,
"Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled " It really works ! "
--
only thing in life !!
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for
two years.
--Sam Kim
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for
another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
---------------------------------------------------------------------
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows
why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone
wonders why.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife .
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.
--Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I h! ave never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous
------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous
-------------------------------------------------------------------
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs....."
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!
--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said,
"Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled " It really works ! "
--
Friday, June 13, 2008
DYING WISH ( * * * * * )
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.
"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know... you don't have to get up in the morning, but I do!!!"
"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know... you don't have to get up in the morning, but I do!!!"
THOSE 4 LETTERS WORDS ( * * * )
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He`s been saying things I`ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You`ve got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don`t make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I`m so embarrassed! They`re just too awful! You`ve got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He`s been saying things I`ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You`ve got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don`t make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I`m so embarrassed! They`re just too awful! You`ve got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
THATS WAT FRENDS R FOR ( * * * * )
When it comes to friendship, here's what happens.
If a woman doesn't come home to her husband one night, and the next day she tells him she slept over at a friend's house, the man calls his wife's 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it.
If a man doesn't come home to his wife one night, and the next day he tells her he slept over at a friend's house, she calls her husband's 10 best friends-eight of them say he did sleep over, and two claim he's still there.
If a woman doesn't come home to her husband one night, and the next day she tells him she slept over at a friend's house, the man calls his wife's 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it.
If a man doesn't come home to his wife one night, and the next day he tells her he slept over at a friend's house, she calls her husband's 10 best friends-eight of them say he did sleep over, and two claim he's still there.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
UMBALO-GONG
Santa and Banta fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later Santa takes a boat over to the other island to see how Banta is doing. When he gets there, he finds Banta standing among a group of natives.
"Greetings! How is it going?" says Santa.
"Wonderful!" says Banta, "I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!"
He points at a palm tree and says, "What is that?"
The natives, in unison, say, "Umbalo-gong!"
He then points at a rock and says, "And that?"
The natives again intone, "Umbalo-gong!"
"You see!", says the beaming Banta, "They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!"
"That is truly amazing!" says the astonished Santa, "On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!"
Saturday, June 7, 2008
ONE LINER
• Two men were talking. First: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house n doing laundry. Second: Amazing, I took divorce for the same reason! • Teacher: Who is Mahatma Gandhi? Modern day Student: He is the one who helped Munna Bhai to impress his Girlfriend! • It's a fact: A girl may not help u to get lot of salary but... salary may help u to get lot of girls. So, love ur work not girls! • One of the biggest problems of the world is that the stupid ones are damn sure & the intelligent ones are full of doubts ! • When gambling became legal in the city, everyone agreed that the city was now a bettor place. • There was the scientist who disconnected his doorbell. He wanted to win the Nobel Prize.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
ROLLER COASTER
What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went to the Amusement Park at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn`t make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn`t see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don`t stand up in the car!"
"Well, I went to the Amusement Park at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn`t make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn`t see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don`t stand up in the car!"
SECRET CRUSH
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended DAV Sr Secondary, Chandigarh.
"Yes. Yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat ass, Grey-haired, Decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked: "What did you teach???"
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended DAV Sr Secondary, Chandigarh.
"Yes. Yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat ass, Grey-haired, Decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked: "What did you teach???"
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
ATTRACTIVE WIFE
Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face.
"I’ll never understand why the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"
"I’ll never understand why the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"
HUSBANDS AFFAIR
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.
The husband speaks again, 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' he says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.'
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75.
He pushes his luck, 'I want the house,' he says insistently.
Up to 80.
'I want the car, too,' he continues.
85 mph.
'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. 'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, 'The airbag.'
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.
The husband speaks again, 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' he says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.'
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75.
He pushes his luck, 'I want the house,' he says insistently.
Up to 80.
'I want the car, too,' he continues.
85 mph.
'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. 'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, 'The airbag.'
Friday, May 30, 2008
WHAT STARTS WITH "F " AND ENDS WITH "K"
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling..
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling..
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
Sunday, May 25, 2008
BARTER
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, "She`s not from the States."
"Yes, I am." said the wife.
He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?"
"Yes," she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered.... "I ll give you 100 camels for her."
The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied, "She`s not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, "She`s not from the States."
"Yes, I am." said the wife.
He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?"
"Yes," she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered.... "I ll give you 100 camels for her."
The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied, "She`s not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
UPSIDE DOWN
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.
The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower
"Help! Help!"
The tower came back and asked, "What`s the problem?"
The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I`m blind... the pilot is dead, and we`re flying upside down!"
The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you`re upside down?"
"Because the shit is running down my back!"
The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower
"Help! Help!"
The tower came back and asked, "What`s the problem?"
The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I`m blind... the pilot is dead, and we`re flying upside down!"
The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you`re upside down?"
"Because the shit is running down my back!"
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